What’s going on?
So, guess what ya’ll? It has happened again! Yes, I lost my way and forgot to worry about myself. I forgot to make time to do the things that I love. Hey, it happens. If you are someone who would say you have it all together and never lose your way, that’s a famous lie! My laptop broke in December right before Christmas, my father in law had a friend who could fix it and he volunteered to take it with him to Washington state! Luckily, it was fixed!!
When I got it back every day, I would tell myself that I needed to get back to doing what I do best, writing down my emotions. Yet, every day I would walk right past it and sigh. For real, I literally would take the biggest breath in and exhale for the whole world to hear. Bear with me, this is surely to be a post that may ramble from topic to topic! I just need to write and use a therapy that I have not taken advantage of.
Can I get a Halleluh?!
I got comfortable with my old routine and couldn’t get myself to touch my fingers to the keypad. This will happen every now and again. I’ll lose my identity in between being a mom and wife and working full time. Just like clock work it will get to a point where I feel like I am suffocating, the walls will begin to close in on me, and I find myself spending a few seconds a day shedding tears. Tears for no apparent reason!
Damn, why must I feel this way! Why can I just not be happy all the time and go through life with smiles and hearts and bubbles. Well, because this isn’t a reality. No one in this world has the perfect life, or marriage. No one in this world is the perfect mom, and the perfect friend. Things happen and things will be derailed. Its all okay and once again like a broken record I must tell myself, it’ll be fine.
Lately, I have walked around on egg shells. Not hiding from anyone but myself. I hide from spending time with just me. This is the best thing I can do for me but can’t carve out even five minutes to do it. I am not sure about you, but have you ever been so consumed with all your duties that next thing you know your legs itch because you haven’t shaved in a hot second! You realize your hair has been in the same messy bun for two days, and you’re going through Walmart at 8 pm in your pjs because you are too tired and frankly too annoyed to give a hoot…no? okay maybe it is just me.. at least that is what it feels like.
Psh, New years resolution say what?
For the new year I promised myself that I would cook more and make sure that the kids had a home cooked meal for dinner every night. No pizza nights, no happy meals. This bit me in the ass, because on the days where I just don’t have the time, I feel guilty. I feel like a failure of a mother who cannot even bring herself to make her family dinner. I also made a promise to myself to be healthy and lose this blasted weight that has dragged me to the bottom of the ocean (life) for too long. I have no scale, and while I have successfully meal prepped my husbands and I lunch and dinner for the past three weeks, my brain seems to think that I’m fooling myself and that I probably haven’t even lost any weight. Yes, she does that sometimes.
My brain will talk me into the wrong decisions but out of the right ones! Oh goodness damn my brain. Why couldn’t I have been born with a brain that just doesn’t give a damn. A brain that doesn’t spend time worrying about everyone else’s problems, a brain that was confident and knew how great I am. Things would be way to easy and life just isn’t this way.
Mom is the name, momming is the game!
Do you know what happened today? I was having a serious conversation with my son about his homework behavior and lack of commitment to getting it done lately then BAM! A BIG SLAM HAPPENS IN THE LIVING ROOM! Immediately I hear screaming and crying. In that split second, I put myself in check because I need to make more time to sit with him and get it done and I still had a few breaths to prep myself for what I would see in the living room. Time. Time is something I just don’t have! I have three amazing, beautiful children and I am constantly being torn in three different directions. When I need to be with one, the other two will need me. When I take my time to sit, I am needed for something else! There just isn’t enough of me for everyone. Today while talking with my son and hearing my daughter screaming bloody murder in the living room I felt for a moment like a poor excuse for a mother.
When I walked into the living room my daughter had decided that it would be cool to sit on a giant blue bouncy ball and roll down the slide. Blood was pouring from her mouth and she was hysterical! I could hardly get her to let me look at the wound that I was sure she would need stitches for. Luckily, she didn’t need stitches, but she will have a fat top lip and tomorrow is the Daddy Daughter Dance, Ties and Tiaras. She will have a fat lip in her dance pictures. That stresses me out, I haven’t been able to think of much else since it happened.
Clarity, my ah hah! Moment
Kids will be kids, and they will make mistakes and learn their own lessons. I just wish that she would have listened to me when I told her the first time, I caught her doing the ball and slide thing that it was dangerous and that she was going to wind up banging her pretty head or busting her little mouth. I realize kids need to go through their own little tests to learn the way things are, but its hard. As a mom I want them to listen to what I say once and never do what I say not to do EVER! That is a fool’s dream. Life isn’t perfect, everyone makes mistakes, there are people that will start and quit their dreams a hundred times before it finally sticks.
There are couples who will fight like they are in a boxing ring but make love like today is their last day on earth! Kids will be kids, they are going to make one thousand mistakes and then some before the light bulb in their heads brighten up! You cannot be perfect at everything, and chasing perfection isn’t feasible. Right now, I will pick myself up for millionth time and keep it pushing! Its okay to fall on your face time after time. Just stand back up and dust off the dirt, put on a smile and realize that life is life and things will get better! Maybe that million and one time of falling will be the last and you will finally figure it all out! I am rooting for you and I am rooting for myself.