I am going to be honest, I told myself that I would not write too much, too soon about my depression/anxiety. I do not want anyone to run if they come and see posts that are “downers”. This is my outlet though and when I feel the need to write and express my feelings, I shouldn’t worry about any one else. This is something that I need to keep working on. I have always cared how people feel about me, think about me and say about me. Now that I am older and admittedly wiser, it’s easier not to care. While it’s true I don’t want people, who come to my blog to follow me to be bombarded with posts that some may consider boring. I just can’t give a hoot! I need to let out my feelings and I need to be able to keep using my blog as an outlet.
When I write, no matter what the topic, I feel less anxious. My mind doesn’t feel as clouded and I feel dare I say, happy? Happy. This is a word that hasn’t come often to me. Happy is a word that I try and catch but miss most of the time. What does happy mean? When I look at my kids, I see in their face’s happiness. I see all the joy and happiness I wish for them to hold onto forever. I never want them to wonder what happy means. Children really have no faults, they should not be made to carry the burden of their parents. I forget this, sadly and I know they suffer in their own way watching mommy suffer. In a previous post I discussed that I have been making moves to ensure my kids don’t remember me unhappy. Since I have been so open with my mental health, I find that happy is coming. I find myself smiling more now and openly crying when I feel the need to without hiding.
Crying in the open is a big milestone for me. Hiding my crying became second nature. I cannot tell you how many times I have cried in the shower, where I knew that I could be alone and not be seen. I still try and keep my sadness from my kids because when they see me cry, they cry. They have no idea why mommy is crying and even less why they are crying. All they know is mommy is sad and it makes them sad. I am just not keeping it away like I used to. When I hid to cry, I mostly hid from my husband. I always felt that he did not understand, and that it would be upsetting to him. I wanted to keep that away from him and our relationship. Doing this made things between him and I worse. When I stopped hiding, I saw how much my hurt meant to him. I can truly say that my hurt is his hurt and I never knew this, until I finally let loose and opened myself up completely. Talking to those around you is one of the most important things you can do. I know it can be hard, but trust me, leap! You will find out real fast who is there for you, and who is there for themselves.
Why is crying in the open such a big deal? Let me explain. When I held in my tears, not letting them flow I was adding more into the dam that finally could hold no longer and exploded. Hiding, added more pressure on to my chest. The pressure that I felt, that I still feel at times was getting stronger and stronger.
I just saw a commercial a couple days ago, this lady was standing in the mirror with a look of agony on her face. She had a zipper down her chest. What a strange place for a zipper, I thought to myself until she begins to unzip it. As she unzipped, all these words fell into the sink and she could finally start to breathe. With each word that fell into the sink, her face got a little lighter, she seemed more relieved. She was unloading all her doubt, all her sadness, and all her worry. Do I know for sure that is what the commercial implied? No, I don’t because to be honest I didn’t pay attention to what the words said. I just saw myself in that moment. This is exactly how I feel! My goodness, this is me! I am unloading all my worry, stress, sadness and doubt when I cry freely. What a great commercial I just wish I knew what it was for, whatever it was I am so thankful I happened to stumble across it. I will never allow the dam to build up again. I want to continue to unzip myself.
Being sad is a scary thing. You feel lost, you feel useless and unworthy. It doesn’t matter what anyone says to you, you only feel what you hear in your heart and mind. If your heart is heavy, your mind will most likely be heavy. That is why it is so important to talk to someone! Unload yourself. Unzip yourself and begin to breathe a little easier. Stop worrying about how everyone else around you will feel, let it flow! I don’t mean while you are walking in the grocery store shopping for groceries to just start uncontrollably crying; unless that is what you want to do then by all means walk through that grocery store sobbing, just make sure you smile afterwards!
I must make sure that I am around people that are here for me. Being around people that truly care can make a big difference for your mental health. Always be sure that you are giving your love to those that deserve it, because when you spend your time loving someone that isn’t loving you, you’re losing your self-worth. For as many people out there that do not understand those with mental health issues, there are those that do and are willing to be that shoulder to cry on.
When you have people in your corner cheering you on, how can you not keep fighting to win! I do not know if I will ever be completely cured of my issues. I do know that I will continue to battle and throw a few combination punches at depression, in hopes that one day I will be better than okay. While my way of unzipping is crying in the open and writing, you may find that yours is different. Whatever your unzipping method is, lets do it together! Unzip ourselves to a better tomorrow. Thank you for reading, and please share with me what methods you have. How do you unzip?